take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
