i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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