I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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