Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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