Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
