There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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