Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
