Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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