I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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