went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
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I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
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Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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