The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
