If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
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