the condom got lost in my hair
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
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so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
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I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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