so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
