he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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