do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
