so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
