Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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