Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
