Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Enjoy the penises
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
