I'm gonna have a badass scar
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
