I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
