trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
