he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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