Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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