I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
