i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Randomize
