You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
