New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
