Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
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