i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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