We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
