I can tuck mytits in my pants
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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