I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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