he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
