I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
