whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
