I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
