Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
