I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
