i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
