all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
a search helicopter?!
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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