You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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