It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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