Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
