Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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