the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
