he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
