Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
