bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
