Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
