Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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