we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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