I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
