My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
