Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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